Hipster: “My coffee shop failed because I can’t grow a beard”

Hipster: “My coffee shop failed because I can’t grow a beard” image

A new ‘hipster coffee shop’ has struggled to gain a foothold in the market due to its owner’s inability to grow a decent beard, it has emerged.

Ed Pearce, from Wrexham, who identified himself with the popular subculture last year, said customers left in droves when his pathetic, patchy facial hair was revealed during his grand opening.

Customer Richard Davies, who wears sandals and eats in quirky cafes, said:  “I headed into this place yesterday. I know all the obscure coffees that you probably haven’t heard of, so I feel like I know what I’m talking about”.

“As soon as I saw his child-like excuse of a beard I walked straight out. I refuse to imbibe a soy flat white that hasn’t been served by a gentleman boasting a luscious and dense beard worthy of the occasion”.

Speaking from his empty shop this afternoon, Pearce said: “Sadly I have the beard growing abilities of a small boy. That alone makes me a pretty useless seller of pretentious beverages..

“I need a new direction in life, something that doesn’t rely on my ability to grow a beard. I don’t know, maybe I’ll get a new perspective and convert to Islam or something”.

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